I've never admitted to being perfect. In fact I have many flaws.I think it's the various neurosis that people possess which make them interesting. Unfortunately in my case, I'm beginning to think one of my flaws may impact on future happiness. Like many women in their 30's with a forthcoming birthday....you question where you are at. Especially when all your friends now have a "plus one" and are establishing various forms of permanency (living together/engagements) and you are one of the minority at BBQ's and functions primarily 'left to your own devices' and not having anyone to look at and go "can you get those things out of the car" or referring to "we" not "I". My hairdresser, who has known me since I was 14, recently gave me the tough love talk. In plain words he said..."Darlin....I want to see you happy and one day soon I want you to be bringing in photos of your kids and telling me about your life. But you need to stop fucking the hot guys. They get you nowhere. They are like the dream that makes you feel fabulous when in the moment and then you wake up and they are not there beside you in the morning". He went onto say that with his current partner (he is gay), he would have hardly looked twice at him and when they were set up on a date....he looked at him and wondered when it was going to end. Then his date called him again and he rolled his eyes and thought "what does he want". But he gave him a shot and he realised that his 'now partner' had similar values, humour, intelligence and supported him in so many ways. "Sure he was fatter then I'd like and I picked him apart in my mind, and now I wish our sex life was better...but you can't have the trifecta and you learn that the rest of the package is far more rewarding". I've thought about this a lot. And taking my hairdressers sagely advice....I embarked on a date with "Mr Average". We had a lot in common and a mutual love for completely 'taking the piss' out of eachother. I received daily texts and he rang regularly. There was a warmth and familiarity about our conversations that stretched on for hours. I convinced myself that this was the way to go. I could date Mr Average! The texts reached a point where there were up to 10 per day (I only responded to half) and I was starting to think...."Great that he is keen....but this fever pitch is smacking a little bit of desperation". Then he was telling me that he'd repeated some of our conversations to his mum and his sister and his housemates and his mates wife. Can you hear the distant chiming of alarm bells yet????
By our second date....I was trying to uphold my optimism. I was trying to overlook his belly straining underneath his shirt and him 'talking about going to the gym but not having time' and then I flashed forward to settling down with him in years and thought....if he is this inactive now when he is single...what will he look like then? I imagined him watching the footy in his recliner with a bucket of KFC. And slowly...I began picking him apart in my mind. He kept referring to places he wanted to take me, and how he wanted me to come and look at houses with him next weekend. At this point my heart began racing and not in a good way. Then when I was mid conversation in a crowded bar....he lent in and kissed me on the lips to which I instantly recoiled, threw my hands up and stammered "I don't really do public affection". He looked at me and said "You look like you want to run" and I said "I kinda do!!!". After some nervous joking around and him continually mocking my height and attempting humour....I was beginning to find him more and more annoying. He dropped me home and he kissed me and kept telling me how cute I was. I reciprocated with a pity pash (which I didn't enjoy) and quickly bolted for the safety of my living room. I was terrified...and on the verge of hyperventilating. Is this what people put themselves through for settling??
Or do I have intimacy issues? This guy is not unattractive, is quite kind, complimentary and possesses good values. Most women would probably think...GREAT. Not me. I was desperately hoping for "the zing". "The Zing" only seems to envelop me when I'm in the arms of an unexpected and unpredictable suitor who offers nothing except mystery, a cheeky smile, raw sexuality and a great time. Sure....this has come in the form of panther like black men, buff 22 year olds, a russian druglord, a crane driver and various other studs that dot the temporary emotional landscape. And they have all disappeared with the same cute smile as quickly as they appeared. Then there have been the "attached" suitors who I've spent hours in conversation and flirtation with, usually with them telling me how unhappy they are in their marriage/relationship and how they "wish things were different" as they gaze at you knowingly...you have a great connection, they love the music you like, you feel that they would slot perfectly in your life, you laugh, you cosy up and then they leave to go home to the significant other they've bitched about all night and you receive the odd text message that they are "thinking about you" (probably when they've either had a domestic or endured months of no sex). But I digress... back to "Mr Average"...who continued to pursue relentlessly (it's always the ones you don't want, that want you). He continued with the texts and when unanswered...kept texting...then he called 3 times which remained unreturned (I was actually busy with friends). I felt suffocated and confused that I didn't want this attention. His texts were pushy..."when will I see you again?" "can't wait to see you again" "Hope you are having a good day" "I'll call you later this afternoon"...MATE I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why can't people chill the fuck out? I lead a busy life and certainly don't spend a whole day thinking about someone I just met and feeling the need to contact them or speak to them multiple times a day. Am I in the minority? Do I have intimacy issues? I think it was obvious that this situation needed to be dealt with. I've always hated being brutal to nice people, except when necessary, but 'Mr Average' offered me no choice. I had to gut him like a fish. I was annoyed, hemmed in and he was 'expecting' something from me constantly. So I delivered it as warmly as I could offering that I was 'simply not in the right head space'. Which is entirely true. My grandfather has recently passed away and I've chosen to immerse myself in work and socialise and not really deal with the grief let alone invest in someone emotionally. It's made me identify that I think attraction is pretty important though. I'm not shallow...but hopefully one day...I'll meet that man that offers the right chemistry and combines those qualities I so admire. If there's one lesson to this story, it's made me see that what seems right for someone else, is not right for me. I want to look at my future partner from across the dinner table and think....I'd really like to rip your clothes off right now...not look at his gut and think if I close my eyes I can just pretend he is George Clooney.
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